The Sims: Death Note, Episode 1

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

So instead of working on writing projects, I've been playing The Sims. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

First, let's meet the cast...

This is Light. I promise that this is the most normal you're going to see him look.

Don't believe me? Here's proof:

This is L. Get used to seeing him drink coffee, because that's pretty much the only thing he does (besides sit on the computer and stare suspiciously at Light):

This is Near. He's kind of an airhead. He's also slightly insane:

But believe me when I say that Near's insanity is nothing compared to Mello's:

...yeah.

Things started out pretty normal, and for awhile, I wasn't sure I'd get any good material because the boys were getting along so well:

Near: "Why I say, old chap, this Earl Grey is stupendous."
L: "...why are you drinking tea out of a bowl?"

I didn't have to wait long before the boys brought the crazy, though. The first one down was Near who, in the span of one day, developed a sick obsession with L. To his credit, he started out pretty subtly:

Near: "What, this old rag? It's just an encyclopedia of medieval torture practices. Just some light reading. Nothing to worry about."
L: ~isn't even paying attention~

But eventually, he stopped bothering to pretend like he wasn't just standing there and staring like a creepy stalker:

L is thinking, 'Is he still looking? Fuck, he's still looking. Why is he still looking?'

But the stalking just kept getting worse and worse...

Near: "Do need me to stir your oatmeal for you? I can stir your oatmeal for you, if you want. I don't mind stirring your oatmeal for you."
L: "Uh, no, that's okay. Really."

Until even crazy-ass Mello started to get suspicious:

Or maybe he's just plotting their deaths. It's hard to tell with him, sometimes.

And what was Light doing while all this was going on?

Reading fanfic, apparently...

Anyway, Near's stalking seemed to set off a trend in the house. Before long, L was following Light around and glaring at him:

Light: "La, la, la, Pop-Tarts!"
L: "..."

And Light, never being one to let L get away with doing anything better than he can, retaliated:

L: "La, la, la, porn!"
Light: "...I know some great fanfic sites, if you're interested."

But it was Mello who finally crossed the line:

Over, and over, and over again... If there was a line, Mello would fucking destroy that shit:

After awhile, Mello's crazy started to grow on Near, because they started hanging out a lot:

Apparently, they're having a deep discussion about justice over a game of chess. Art imitating art? I think so.

Anyway, Mello had apparently been losing, because while Near took a bathroom break, Mello totally cheated:

Mello: "Shit, shit, hurry before he catches me. No, shut up, give me a second to think. No, you shut up and hurry, or he'll kill us both."

I told you he was crazy.

But I guess Near didn't notice, because when he came back, they kept playing until Near eventually lost...

...and promptly threw a hissy fit of epic proportions.

Mello seemed to feel bad about cheating, though (or he took advantage of Near's moment of weakness), because shortly after their chess game, he started macking on Near big time while Light decided to revive the stalker game:

Mello: "I'm sorry I tried to murder you over and over again. I didn't mean it."
Near: "Awwwww, it's okay, I forgive you."
Light: "Hey guys, I know some really neat fanfic sites..."

From that point, Light seemed to be there every single time Mello was trying to get his groove on, until Mello finally just gave up and snogged the daylights out of Near:

Light: "Hey guys, this totally reminds me of this BSG fanfic I was reading the other day..."

Eventually, though, Light went away and left them to their own devices:

Light: "Mmm, yes, this is fantastic material for my Dumbledore/Hagrid story!"

Since Light had apparently gotten bored of watching Mello and Near make out, and had nothing to do other than write dirty fanfic, he decided to start working on his cooking skills. You can guess how well that went:

Light made a huge fuss about it and left the plate on the table. A few minutes later, L and Mello came down for breakfast, and this happened:

(The dejected, disapproving look on Mello's face destroys me.)

L: "It's not that bad, really. I like Cajun food."
Mello: "Thanks for completely destroying my appetite."

Meanwhile, Mello and Near were still making out all over the place...

Entertaining each other...

And uh... this:

Near: "Did you see the beading detail on that dress? Totally fabulous."
Mello: "..."

Anyway, they were being completely adorable, at least until L caught on that there was something going on between them:

Now mind you, Near and L hadn't had anything to do with each other in days. But apparently, Near's obsession with L wasn't going to die a quiet death, because it came back full-force:

Near: "You have such nice biceps!"
L: "Hey, hands off the shirt! This is vintage!"

And he started stalking L around the house again:

It got so bad that he was even thinking about L while in bed with Mello:

Anyway, with all the stalking that Near was doing, Mello was left all by himself (because he sure as hell wasn't going to hang out with Light's crazy ass). His impending nervous breakdown wasn't obvious at first. He seemed perfectly content to entertain himself while his boyfriend was off stalking another man all over the place:

Everything was fine until he started talking to himself-- or rather, to the invisible Near sitting next to him, judging by the fact that he put a second hot dog out in front of the chair where Near usually sits:

And that was where shit started to get really weird. First, he went and got a new hot dog, then freaked out at it (this is while he's still talking to himself, by the way):

Then he moves over to Near's chair and keeps talking to himself, like he's impersonating the Near who isn't there (because Near, at this point, was upstairs watching L shower):

And eventually, the total meltdown began:

See that look on his face? That's the look of a man who's about to completely lose his shit.

After freaking out in the kitchen for awhile (while cleaning up everything except the plate of hot dogs he'd left on the floor)...

...Mello went into the living room and proceeded to freak out some more:

Mello: "I will fucking kill a bitch!"

Eventually, it got so bad that even the cleaning guy was like, "Fuck it, I'm out! They don't pay me enough for this shit!"

Mello: "Trick-ass hos better recognize!"

Later that night, once he was feeling a little more calm, Mello confronted Near in the kitchen and asked Near for a date:

Mello: ~sulky~ "Hey uh, you want to like, go get some pizza or something?"

It was actually very adorable-- or it would have been, if not for the fact that Mello had just finished going completely psycho in the living room.

So they took Mello's sweet ride downtown:

Things were going really well between them, and Mello seemed like he'd forgiven Near. At the restaurant, Mello even started to make a toast to new beginnings:

And then promptly lost his shit again:

:( :( :(

Poor bebe.

Meanwhile, back at the house, this was happening:

Yeah, that's L and Light. Hugging. I know, WTF?

Anyway, Mello and Near eventually got home and headed upstairs together. I figured they'd made up and were going to go get it on, but no...

They just stretched out together and talked for awhile.

Easily their most adorable moment so far... at least until Mello ruined it by more or less pouncing on Near and shagging him through the mattress. They both fell asleep afterwards, but it seemed to be all they needed to make things right between them again:

And where was L during all of this? Sitting in the kitchen, alone, in the middle of the night, drinking coffee:

Meanwhile, Light was asleep in L's bed, the other side of which looked distinctly slept in, even though I never actually saw L sleep once while I was playing:

I think L and Light are up to something, y/n?

Don't give me that look, L. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And believe me, I'm eventually going to catch you two in the act...

THE END!
(for now)

Nishizono Shinji

The Sims: Death Note, Episode 1