Fic: Anatomy

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

Title: Anatomy
Fandom: Star Trek
Pairing: Kirk/Spock (implied)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Fail
Prompt: Spock ~~realizing he's in love with/fated to be with/meant to be bonded with Kirk (or whatever, you know),~~ going to McCoy and trying to broach the subject of 'human anatomy, with an emphasis on copulation.' ~~Bonus if Kirk is intuitive when it comes to sex and doesn't need any help to get Spock hot.~~ (posted here)

Summary: "There are certain aspects of human anatomy with which I am unfamiliar, particularly in regards to the process of human copulation."

Notes: This isn't beta'ed, or even cleaned up all that much. I'm not happy with it, but I'm a freak about keeping all of my stories in one spot, so that's why it's here. Also, more fail.

"Doctor McCoy, I require your immediate assistance."

McCoy closed his eyes-- which was a damn shame, since the ensign he was currently examining (read: chatting up) was pretty, blonde, single, and apparently very interested in his bedside manner. After very slowly counting to ten, he opened his eyes again, flashed his most charming smile at his new favorite patient, and looked over his shoulder at Spock to say, "I'm with a patient. Can it wait another thirty minutes?"

"It is something of an emergency," Spock replied evenly.

McCoy resisted the urge to grind his teeth and said, "Are you sure it can't wait? I was just preparing Ensign Libez for a gynecological exam, if you know what I mean."

The way Spock tilted his head ever-so-slightly to the side told McCoy that the pointy-eared bastard did not, in fact, know what he meant.

Ten minutes later, they had bid farewell to Ensign Libez, and McCoy had ushered Spock into his office. As soon as the door closed, Spock's posture became uncharacteristically rigid, even for him. If McCoy hadn't known any better, he would have suspected that Spock was nervous about something.

"Well? What is it, man? I haven't got all day," McCoy prompted as he leaned back against his desk and folded his arms over his chest. Of course, that was partially a lie, since he didn't have any other patients in sickbay, but he didn't want to spend the rest of his afternoon chatting with Spock. They'd made a strange sort of peace with one another, but they were hardly best friends.

"I require your input in a certain matter," Spock replied, and the awkwardness McCoy had sensed manifested itself in the way Spock glanced very quickly to the side before looking back at McCoy and adding, "a very private matter, for a friend."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "That's the oldest excuse in the book, Spock."

"To which book are you referring?" Spock asked, eyebrow arched and eyes gleaming with thinly veiled curiosity.

"Never mind, it's a figure of speech. You're here for yourself, not a friend, and this isn't an emergency, is it?" McCoy asked dryly, though it was less of an inquiry and more of an observation-- and a very annoying one, at that.

Spock went on as if he hadn't heard the question. Tucking his hands behind his back, he said, "There are certain aspects of human anatomy with which I am unfamiliar, particularly in regards to the process of human copulation."

McCoy arched an eyebrow at that. Gossip traveled quickly on the Enterprise, and everyone had known about Spock and Uhura's break-up within an hour of it happening. So either Spock had a sudden, purely academic interest in human genitalia, or he was already bunking down with someone new.

"I have recently been made aware of-- urges-- that I seem to have been unknowingly harboring for some time, and which I have no prior experience with," Spock went on, now fixedly staring past McCoy's shoulder at the wall behind him. There was a faint green tint to his cheeks that hadn't been there before.

It took a few seconds for McCoy to process that statement, and when he'd finished, he chuckled. "Spock, are you telling me you're gay?"

"If I am correct in assuming that is the popular vernacular to describe a homosexual, then yes," Spock replied, and the flush on his cheeks darkened by a fraction.

The temptation to burst into uproarious laughter was so strong that McCoy actually had to turn away for a few minutes to hide the gleeful smile on his face. Even if he and Spock had made peace with one another, this little revelation was just too good for him to let go of it without finding a way to use it as revenge for losing quality time with Ensign Libez. And maybe, if he played his cards right, he'd find out who it was that Spock had been courting.

After digging a bottle of brandy out of his desk and pouring himself a splash-- all of which was just a show to occupy him until he got control over himself-- he turned around and lifted his cup in Spock's direction. "Here's to personal epiphanies."

"Indeed," Spock replied, and arched an eyebrow.

McCoy took a sip of the brandy and then rounded his desk before gesturing to one of his visitor's chairs. "Come on, then, and sit down. I can't say as I have any personal experience with gay sex, but I'll tell you all I know. I'm a doctor, after all; we have to read up on these things."

~*~*~

When Kirk came limping into sickbay the following morning, McCoy immediately regretted letting his curiosity get the best of him because he knew two things with absolute certainty: Spock was going to kill him, but before that, he was going to have to spend the next thirty minutes of his life examining his best friend's balls.

"Jim! What a pleasant surprise!" McCoy exclaimed, and plastered a sunny smile on his face to mask the fact that he wanted to go and hide under his desk until Kirk went away.

Kirk winced as he sat down very gingerly on one of the exam tables, then glanced sidelong at McCoy. "I was bitten. Don't ask. Just fix it."

"Right," McCoy replied.

"Right," Kirk muttered.

McCoy cleared his throat, then glanced away and said, "Uhm, so, pull down your trousers and let me have a look."

Kirk coughed a little, then stood to obey, and McCoy politely turned his back so he could close his eyes and cringe. He just hoped Spock would give him time to convince Ensign Libez to wear something short and revealing to his funeral.

Nishizono Shinji

Fic: Anatomy