Fic: Doraji

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

Title: Doraji
Authors: nishi_shinji
Universe: Bleach
Characters: Byakuya/Renji
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Sadly, they aren't mine.

Summary: Their entire lives were contradictions of definition.

Author's Notes: Happy birthday, ldybastet. I won't embarrass you in public by detailing all the many reasons why I'm glad you're part of this world, so we'll just leave it at this: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

The cloudless sky and mild summer breeze felt blasphemous on a day filled with so much sorrow. Though the final battle had been won, Soul Society had paid dearly for the victory. Thousands of shinigami had been slain, most of them cadets who had gone straight from the academy into the most gruesome war the Gotei Thirteen had seen in a millennium. Now that the war was finally over, no one was celebrating. Some survivors had found their way into the crowded bars where they could drown their grief in sake, and the rest were standing in what had once been an empty field that was now dotted by small headstones.

Byakuya was amongst them, standing near the back of the crowd and listening to the eulogies of the fallen. Although most of the names were unfamiliar to him, it pained him that so many of the dates on the tombstones reflected such short lives.

When the service ended, the crowd began to disperse. Byakuya hesitated for awhile, knowing that it was important for lower-ranked shinigami to see the captains paying their respects, but also knowing that he could easily overstep the boundaries of propriety by lingering for too long. After he had given his quiet but reserved sympathies to the families of some of the cadets who had petitioned to be in his division, he turned to leave and almost literally bumped into Renji.

"Oi! Watch-- oh." Renji's eyes widened and he took a step back. "Sorry, Taichou, I didn't realize-- I didn't think you'd be here."

Byakuya frowned. All of the other captains had been at the memorial service, so he wondered why Renji looked surprised to see him. "Why did you assume I wouldn't be in attendance?"

"Dunno," Renji replied with a shrug, and looked away as he muttered, "I just didn't think this was your kinda thing, y'know?"

Before Byakuya could respond, a voice called Renji's name and they both turned to see Shuuhei waving at them from the dirt path that led out of the newly formed cemetery. Renji waved back, then glanced at Byakuya from the corner of his eye.

Byakuya nodded.

"See ya in the morning, Taichou," Renji mumbled before hurrying towards Shuuhei.

Byakuya watched him go, then swallowed and looked over his shoulder at the neat rows of tombstones behind him. He wasn't sure what hurt more: the fact that so many of their comrades had fallen, or the fact that Renji thought he might be inhuman enough to not mourn them.

The following morning, the captain's meeting was a quiet affair. Even Kenpachi-Taichou was uncharacteristically subdued; the bells and eyepatch were gone, and he kept his head down and his answers brief. They were given instructions to go about business as usual in each of the thirteen squads in order to provide a sense of familiarity for their subordinate officers. While it was clear that none of the captains expected this plan to make anyone feel better, no one bothered to say so aloud because for the time being, it was all they had.

After the meeting, Byakuya went straight back to the office that he and Renji shared. Renji was already there with his head bowed over a stack of paperwork, and he barely even looked up when Byakuya slid the door closed. Though Byakuya found it ironic that Renji seemed to just now be taking all of his lectures about hard work to heart, he didn't find it amusing in the slightest; the truth was, he would much prefer a fidgety, sometimes careless lieutenant who laughed at his own jokes and spent too much money on sunglasses to the quiet, sorrowful-looking man who sat across the room from him. They had never been friends-- they were barely even polite to one another on bad days-- but Byakuya had never felt so distant from Renji before, and to his surprise, that bothered him.

They worked in near silence for the rest of the morning. Even the sound of Renji's brush moving over the paper seemed quieter than usual, and the stillness in the office was making Byakuya feel restless. Somehow, he'd become accustomed to the sounds Renji usually made-- soft humming, occasional sighs, the creaking of his chair while he fidgeted-- and the absence of them unnerved Byakuya so much that he found himself making more noise than usual just to make up for it.

"Are you okay, Taichou?" Renji finally asked.

Byakuya looked up from the report he'd been revising and realized he'd just been drumming his fingers on his desk. Feeling slightly embarrassed, he nodded rather curtly and looked down at his work again.

"Okay," Renji replied, and although he didn't sound entirely convinced, he didn't say anything more.

When they paused for lunch, Renji actually took the time to neatly organize his paperwork and replace his brush in its holder, as opposed to leaping up out of his chair and dashing from the office the way he usually did. Then, as if he was purposely trying to drive Byakuya insane with his odd behavior, he rummaged through his desk drawer before taking out a small bento box.

Byakuya couldn't take any more, so he cleared his throat and waited until Renji was looking at him before arching an eyebrow. "Are you not going to the mess hall for lunch today?"

"Ah-- uh, no-- is that okay?" Renji replied and looked up at Byakuya with wide eyes, like a puppy expecting to be chastised.

Byakuya felt another flash of hurt, similar to the one he'd felt at the memorial service. Although he knew he could be distant and even cold when the occasion called for it, he wondered if he was really so intimidating that Renji honestly expected to be punished for wanting to eat at his desk.

"Taichou?" Renji prompted quietly.

"Of course it's alright for you to eat at your desk," Byakuya replied with a touch of impatience. When he tried to turn his attention back to his work, however, he found that he couldn't concentrate, so he pushed his papers and scrolls aside and retrieved his own lunch from his desk drawer.

The first half of their lunch break was spent in the same oppressive silence as the rest of the morning had been, until Renji finally put his teacup down with a sigh and asked, "What happens to us when we die?"

The question caught Byakuya by surprise. When he looked up at his lieutenant, Renji was watching him with an open and almost innocent sadness that reminded Byakuya of a small child after the death of a family pet. After a brief pause, Byakuya replied, "We evaporate and our essence is used to form new human souls. Your Academy courses should have covered this."

"They did, but how do we know that's what happens?" Renji said, then bit his bottom lip and shifted in his chair before asking, "Do we have any proof?"

Byakuya felt oddly relieved by Renji's agitated fidgeting, and he leaned back in his chair before replying, "We've collected enough evidence."

"Yeah, I know, I remember that from Academy too, but--" Renji trailed off and looked down into his teacup as if the contents might hold the answers he needed.

"But what you really want to know is whether we still exist somewhere as our individual personalities, not just as the particles that created us," Byakuya suggested softly.

Renji's head jerked up, and he stared at Byakuya for a moment before swallowing and muttering, "Yeah-- yeah, I guess that's what I'm asking."

Byakuya nodded. These were the questions that had nearly driven him mad after Hisana died, and had continued to plague him throughout the war. Unfortunately, he'd never found any solid answers, which meant he had nothing to offer Renji other than his silent sympathy.

"Sorry, I guess it's kinda unfair for me to expect you to know everything, huh?" Renji mumbled.

Something in the tone of Renji's voice made Byakuya feel unexpectedly protective-- something he'd only ever felt during battle, whenever his men were in danger-- and before he realized it, he was standing and carrying his teapot over to Renji's desk to warm Renji's tea for him.

If the gesture surprised Renji, he didn't show it. Instead, he just watched Byakuya pour, then asked, very softly, "How do you do it, Taichou? Keep going, I mean. If we really just disappear when we die, what's the point? How do you keep waking up every morning and doing what's gotta be done?"

Byakuya set the teapot aside, then met Renji's gaze and replied, "One day at a time, Abarai-fukutaichou. That is all any of us can do."

Renji stared up at him for a moment, then nodded as he lifted his teacup to his mouth and muttered, "Thanks, Taichou."

Their lunch break ended in silence, the same way it had begun, but this time it seemed almost companionable. And when Renji knocked over his empty teacup while he was cleaning up, and it went skittering across the floor with Renji noisily chasing after it, Byakuya almost smiled.

The rest of the week seemed to pass slowly. Although Byakuya had never minded the long working hours that went along with being a captain, he now found himself looking forward to having time to relax at home. The war had taken a lot out of everyone, and he was no exception despite how he wished he could be.

What kept him from growing too restless was, shockingly enough, Renji's company. Renji was still much quieter than usual, but the tension that had always lingered between them was gone. They greeted one another in the mornings with less formality than they had before, ate lunch at their desks, and now when Renji said good-night before leaving the office, he always offered Byakuya a smile.

One evening, long after most of the other shinigami in his division had gone home, Byakuya left the office to find Renji waiting in the courtyard. Renji didn't seem to have heard him come outside, so Byakuya spent a few moments watching Renji watch the night sky. At some point, Renji had obviously gone back to his quarters to change because he was wearing a light summertime yukata instead of his uniform. There was an unguarded, thoughtful expression on his face that made him seem softer than usual. And when Renji smiled, seemingly at nothing, Byakuya caught himself almost doing the same.

That moment of weakness seemed like a cue for him to announce his presence, so he cleared his throat.

To his surprise, Renji didn't seem startled; if anything, he seemed amused as he glanced over his shoulder, smiled, and said, "Hey, Taichou. I was just coming back from Hisagi-kun's place and I was kinda bored, so I was thinking maybe we could take a walk or something-- if you don't have anywhere else to be, I mean."

"I have no obligations for the evening," Byakuya replied before he'd even had time to consider the invitation. He wasn't the sort of man who fraternized with his colleagues-- especially not with his subordinates-- and yet there he was, falling into step beside Renji as they walked down the path together.

"It's a nice night; I was kinda worried it would be too warm since it was so hot earlier," Renji commented, and snagged a blossom off of a cherry tree as they passed it. After twirling it around between his thumb and forefinger a few times, he held it out to Byakuya.

Byakuya looked at Renji, then at the flower, then back again.

Renji chuckled quietly, then took the blossom back and tucked it behind his ear before saying, "Y'know, I was thinking about what you said the other day, about taking things a day at a time. Do you really believe that?"

"Yes, I do," Byakuya replied with a nod. He was sure it didn't seem that way to others, but it was true. Each morning, he found a reason, however small, to wake up and go on living. There were some days, especially right after Hisana died, when the task had seemed so exhausting that he'd almost convinced himself that it wasn't worth it. But he'd done it out of a sense of duty to what remained of his family, and more importantly, his own self-honor.

"Hm." Renji hummed, then flashed a grin at Byakuya and said, "I think we've got different definitions of things sometimes, Taichou."

That almost drew a laugh from Byakuya. Who would have imagined that Renji could be such a master of understatement? Their entire lives were contradictions of definition.

They walked in silence for awhile, down the gravel path that led away from the division offices and towards the small lake near the barracks. Fireflies were drifting up from the grass and swaying in the light breeze. There was a little wooden bench near the very edge of the lake, between two dogwood trees, and Renji led the way over to it before holding out his hand in a silent invitation for Byakuya to sit.

Byakuya wasn't sure what to make of the growing familiarity between them, and part of him was equally unsure as to whether or not he should permit it. Being pleasant towards one another in the office was one thing, but this after-hours companionship was creeping closer and closer to a line that Byakuya had drawn around himself the day he'd become captain. Though Ukitake-Taichou had lectured him countless times on the importance of friendship between a captain and his lieutenant, Byakuya had remained unconvinced. To him, discipline and a strict sense of propriety was what made a division operate smoothly. Once a superior officer allowed themselves to become too friendly with their subordinates, they could no longer be expected to make decisions without bias, thereby doing a disservice to the shinigami under their supervision and potentially placing their entire squad in serious danger.

And yet there he was, sitting with Renji on a bench beside the lake and staring out at the water in absolute silence.

"Some days are better than others," Renji said suddenly, though softly. "There's no pattern to it... like this morning. I've seen my living room hundreds of times since we've got back, and I never thought about it before, but then all of a sudden, when I was walkin' through, it was like outta nowhere I could almost see Mamonaru-san sitting there. The last time I saw him before he got shipped out was at a party in my quarters, and he'd got so drunk he was sitting on my floor and singing at the top of his lungs 'til Yumichika-kun came busting in and yelled at him to shut up."

Byakuya glanced at Renji from the corner of his eye, then looked back out over the water. If this was the real reason Renji had brought him out to the lake, then he supposed the line hadn't been crossed after all. Most lower-ranking shinigami had been looking to their captains for guidance during the war's aftermath, and Byakuya was willing to listen to Renji's concerns if it would help-- and if he felt a twinge of disappointment that Renji had only invited him because he needed someone to talk to, then Byakuya ignored it as the selfish, primitive emotion it was.

Renji kept speaking for awhile, quietly detailing some of the last moments he'd spent with people whose names Byakuya didn't recognize. Byakuya hadn't realized that Renji had lost so many friends in the war, nor had he known that Renji spent most of his Saturday afternoons sparring with the Eleventh Division cadets and his Sunday mornings having breakfast with the Fourth Division trainees. Byakuya suddenly realized he'd spent the last twenty years sharing an office and running a division with a complete stranger, and the thought made him feel slightly short of breath, as if something had taken hold of his insides and was squeezing the air from his lungs.

"How about you, Taichou? You doing okay?"

For a moment, Byakuya thought Renji had noticed that he wasn't feeling well. Then he realized that Renji was actually asking whether or not he was grieving for anyone.

Byakuya looked away, this time to stare up at the stars. "We are not friends, Abarai-Fukutaichou. There is no need to inquire after my emotional well-being."

Though they weren't looking at one another, Byakuya didn't need to see Renji's face to be able to hear the hurt in his voice when he replied, "No, I guess we're not friends-- not today."

Byakuya found that he had absolutely no response to offer to that, so he lapsed into silence and stayed that way until a few minutes later when Renji stood and left without a good-bye.

As soon as he woke the next morning, Byakuya did something he hadn't done in years: he summoned a Hell Butterfly to notify Renji that he would be out of the office until the following day.

Once he'd sent the message, he went to sit in the garden. The grass was beginning to wilt from the heat, but the cherry trees were still blossoming and raining their petals into the fish pond. Byakuya tried all of his usual methods to clear his mind so that he could simply enjoy his surroundings, but everywhere he looked, he saw reminders of his conversations with Renji: the constant cycle of death and rebirth, the permanent flow of time and the impermanence of life. For the first time he could recall, Byakuya felt awkward and out of place amongst nature, like a large rock dropped into the very center of a stream, interrupting the flow of the water rather than allowing itself to be carried along by the current.

Eventually, he gave up the pretense of trying to achieve any kind of peace, and pushed to his feet with an impatient huff. Had he been the sort of man to give in to displays of temper, he probably would have stormed into the house, but he refused to let himself indulge in such childish behavior even if there was no one to catch him doing it. However, the sight that greeted him when he entered the front parlor made his jaw clench and his hands curl into fists at his sides.

There was a large bundle of purple bellflowers lying on the table near the window. The flowers must have numbered at least thirty in all, and their stems had been tied together with simple twine. There was no note, neither beneath the bouquet nor tucked inside of it, and none of the servants could offer any explanation for its sudden appearance in Byakuya's home.

Byakuya immediately sent a second message to Renji, demanding his presence at the Kuchiki estate at precisely eighteen hundred hours.

Storm clouds had rolled in during the afternoon, and by the time the afternoon was fading to evening, a light summer rain had begun to fall. After a week of good behavior on Renji's part, Byakuya wasn't at all shocked when he felt his lieutenant's reiatsu approaching the manor five minutes before he was supposed to arrive. When Renji's reiatsu paused just outside the gates of the estate, Byakuya realized that Renji was probably letting himself be drenched by the rain in purpose, in order to ensure that he would be exactly on time. Byakuya wasn't sure whether to be maliciously amused or intensely annoyed, so he settled for both.

Renji was shown into the parlor after having been given a towel by the servants-- a towel which he seemed disinclined to use, judging by the way he was holding it balled up in one hand while his hair was dripping water all over the tatami mats. Unlike all of the other times he'd been called to the estate to be chastised, he didn't look like a guilty puppy. However, he didn't look particularly proud of his prank either, despite the fact that Byakuya had fully expected him to be. If anything, he looked strangely calm, if somewhat wary.

That irritated Byakuya even more than the flowers had done, and only served to reinforce the notion that too much familiarity within the upper ranks of a division would breed disobedience.

"Taichou?" Renji prompted with a slight quirk of his eyebrow.

Byakuya pointed to the bundle of flowers on the table. "What is this?"

Renji's gaze slid towards the bouquet, then back to Byakuya's face. "Chinese bellflowers."

"I know what they are," Byakuya replied icily. "Why did you bring them here?"

At the very least, Renji didn't try to deny that he'd left them for Byakuya; he just shrugged and said, "I felt like it-- they're your favorite, right?"

"Why?" Byakuya snapped. "Was this your pathetic attempt at expressing the sympathy that you mistakenly feel I need? Or were you merely rubbing it in my face that you know more about me than you rightfully should? You spend too much time with Ukitake-Taichou if you believe that congeniality between us in the workplace in some way equals a friendship, and unlike your Ninth and Eleventh Division friends, I do not find humor in childish pranks."

By the time he was finished, Byakuya realized that he'd actually been yelling. Before he could open his mouth to apologize, however, Renji-- who looked completely unfazed-- asked him, "Do you feel better now?"

Byakuya ignored the fact that he did actually feel much better, and replied in a much calmer tone, "Tell me why you left them."

"Taichou." Renji sighed and shook his head, then looked straight at Byakuya and said, "I told you, I left them because I wanted to. I promise there were no ulterior motives. One day at a time, remember? And today, I felt like giving you flowers."

They stared at one another for a few moments, and when Byakuya realized that Renji was actually telling the truth, he sighed quietly and said, "You've soaked the tatami."

"Sorry," Renji muttered.

Byakuya took the towel from Renji's hand and, while refusing to think too much about what he was doing, proceeded to begin drying Renji's hair. It wasn't until he caught sight of Renji watching him that he realized how close he was standing, and yet he couldn't seem to make himself move away.

"You look uncomfortable," Renji observed in a whisper, as if he thought anything louder would make Byakuya spook like a startled horse-- which might not have been far from the truth.

"If I look uncomfortable, it's because you're staring at me," Byakuya replied.

Renji chuckled softly. "You're the only person I know who would bitch about flowers."

"And you're the only person I know who would try to annoy someone by showing up on time," Byakuya murmured.

When Byakuya was finished drying Renji's hair, he handed the towel back and then took a step away. The way Renji was watching him made him feel unaccountably nervous and he looked away before glancing at Renji again from the corner of his eye. That Renji made Renji grin for some reason, and Byakuya sighed.

"What is it, Renji?" Byakuya asked in a weary tone.

"I think we're friends today, Taichou," Renji explained as he slung the towel over his shoulder and walked backwards a few steps until he was standing in the front hall. Then, he offered Byakuya a salute and a smile before turning and slipping back out into the rain.

Byakuya tipped his head to one side and contemplated the empty doorway for awhile, until long after the rain had stopped pattering against the roof and the sun had broken through the clouds.

"You stole those flowers from my garden, and you're late," Byakuya said when he heard the door of the office open the next morning, and he kept his head bowed over his paperwork to hide his barely-there smirk.

"Er, Kuchiki-Taichou?"

Byakuya glanced up from his desk to find Shuuhei standing in the doorway, looking both confused and nervous.

"Uhm," Shuuhei began, and scratched at the back of his neck before edging sideways towards Renji's desk, "I was just gonna-- Abarai-kun left this at my place last night, and-- uh, just let him know I came by? Or, you know, you don't have to since he'll find this and figure-- sorry for disturbing you, Kuchiki-Taichou; I thought Renji would be-- anyway, bye."

Byakuya watched as Shuuhei more or less fled the office. Then, he turned his attention towards the scrap of fabric that had been left on Renji's desk, which upon closer inspection turned out to be the obi of Renji's uniform. The sight of it made something unpleasant twist in Byakuya's stomach, and he had to swallow a few times to keep himself from feeling truly ill. Of course he'd known that Renji and Shuuhei spent a good deal of time together, but now he wondered just how close they were-- and more importantly, he wondered why the possibility that they were involved bothered him so much.

Twenty minutes after Shuuhei's hasty exist, Renji came bursting into the office the way he always did when he was late, as if making a production of his arrival might lend credence to whatever excuse he was planning to offer. Before he could say a word, however, Byakuya stretched out an arm and pointed at the obi.

"Oh good." Renji sighed with obvious relief and began tugging at the cord that was knotted around his waist. As he struggled to loosen it, he chuckled under his breath and muttered, "Guess I don't need to tell ya why I'm late, eh? Sorry, Taichou. I was in kinda a panic when I woke up this morning and couldn't find my damn obi, and you know how forgetful you get when you're rushing around? I didn't even think that maybe I'd left it at Shuuhei's until I was almost here, and then I figured I should at least come tell you why I was late."

Byakuya startled himself with how angry he sounded when he replied, "I am not interested in your excuses, Abarai-fukutaichou. You were late and you were not dressed in standard uniform when reporting for duty. I'll have the disciplinary paperwork ready for your signature by noon."

"Disciplinary-- are you serious?" Renji's eyes were wide with what looked like genuine astonishment. "You're writing me up, Taichou?"

Byakuya looked away under the pretense of going back to work on his reports, but the truth was simply that the hurt in Renji's eyes made him feel so guilty his stomach ached. That was all the more reason for him to go through with this, though; Renji had gotten too comfortable, just as Byakuya had suspected he would if they became too friendly with one another, and it was Byakuya's duty as captain to ensure that his lieutenant was kept in line.

"Taichou, please-- I'm sorry," Renji said softly, and leaned down a bit so that his hands were braced on the edge of Byakuya's desk. "Please don't write me up, not for this. I already have one mark on my record, and if I get another-- Taichou, I would never make captain."

Byakuya swallowed around the lump in his throat before replying, "Carelessness is not a valuable trait in a captain, Abarai-fukutaichou."

For a few seconds, Byakuya thought that Renji might actually hit him-- he could see Renji's fingers curling against the desktop, as if they were trying to form fists-- but then Renji pushed away and went to his own desk, where he sat in absolute silence for the rest of the morning.

Byakuya assumed that Renji was being quiet, at least; he wasn't sure he could have heard anything over the soft voice chanting 'hypocrite' over and over again in his mind.

"Is there anything I can say to change your mind?"

Byakuya pushed the disciplinary forms across the desk, towards Renji. "You do not want to add attempted bribery to the details of your misconduct."

Renji's pleading expression turned mutinous for a moment before fading into a look of betrayal so genuine that any other captain would probably have forgiven him on the spot. But Byakuya was not to be swayed, despite how much a part of him wished he could be, and he merely stared back at Renji until Renji sighed and took Byakuya's brush to sign the bottom of the form.

"I guess you'll want me to take this down to the personnel office, too?" Renji muttered once he had put the brush back in its holder.

Byakuya felt oddly panicked by the idea, and he shook his head before he could think better of it. "I will see to it myself."

"But I'm usually the one who--" Renji trailed off and then frowned. The hurt in his eyes intensified as he muttered, "Ah, right, wouldn't want it to get lost on the way there or anything."

Byakuya's decision had nothing to do with a lack of trust, but before he could make excuses for wanting to do it himself, Renji had already turned and left the office. For a few minutes, Byakuya simply sat there, staring at the empty doorway and feeling inexplicably stung by the fact that Renji hadn't said good-bye before leaving, even though he'd been the one trying to put space between them in the first place.

Feeling conflicted was nothing new to Byakuya, but this wasn't a matter of saving a life or honoring an oath. Yet somehow, it seemed almost as important.

The air that night was heavy with moisture and charged with the sort of electricity that only comes just before the break of a storm. Byakuya had asked the servants to close every window in the manor save for the large door in his bedroom that opened out into the garden. The light breeze that fluttered into the room was just enough to cool the thin sheen of sweat that clung to his skin, but it was still too warm for him to fall asleep right away.

Byakuya lay there for two hours, occasionally tossing and turning, but mostly lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. Even as a small child, he'd never been the sort of person who depended on the company of others to keep himself happy. Yet the loss of Renji's camaraderie left him feeling conflicted and strangely empty inside, as if something very important had been taken away from him. Of course he knew it was ridiculous for him to feel that way after only a week, but that didn't keep his throat from tightening every time he pictured the disappointment he'd seen in Renji's eyes.

Not long after Byakuya had finally begun to drift off, he was startled awake again by the presence of a familiar reiatsu just outside his bedroom. He had just enough time to sit up and gather the sheet around himself before Renji appeared in the doorway from the garden, silhouetted by the dim light from the cloud-covered moon. Byakuya wanted to demand an explanation for why Renji had essentially broken into his home in the middle of the night, but he couldn't seem to find the right words to ask, especially when he realized that Renji was staring at him. The intensity of feeling Renji's gaze without seeing his face made Byakuya feel strangely vulnerable, and he pulled the sheet a little tighter around his waist.

"Why didn't you take the form down to personnel?" Renji murmured.

"How did you know?" Byakuya didn't even bother with trying to deny it, though he knew he probably should have.

Renji took a few steps into the room and stopped at the foot of Byakuya's futon. "I've got friends in low places, Taichou. You'd be surprised how much a file clerk'll tell you if you if you toss him a couple extra coins. Now tell me why you didn't take the form down there."

"I didn't have time," Byakuya lied.

Renji shook his head. "Don't lie to me, please. After the shit you've put me through today, the least you can do is tell me the truth."

Byakuya took a deep breath. Part of him wanted to reply that Renji was out of line for speaking to him that way, but he knew it would only be a defensive gesture on his part, to deflect attention away from the fact that he had, as Renji would so ineloquently say, fucked up.

"I didn't take the form to personnel because I didn't want to," Byakuya admitted softly.

There was a long silence before Renji sighed and moved a little closer so he could sit on the edge of Byakuya's bed. Now that they were sitting less than two feet away from one another, Byakuya could see the frustration in Renji's eyes, along with a healthy dose of wariness that Byakuya wished he could ease somehow. They watched one another for a few minutes, and by the time Byakuya realized that Renji had leaned forward, their noses were almost touching.

"Don't," Byakuya whispered with a rush of panic.

Renji's gaze hardened, but he looked more hurt than angry. "Why?"

"Because, I--" Byakuya floundered for a reason, an excuse, anything that would convince both himself and Renji that this was a terrible idea. Then he remembered why he'd been angry with Renji in the first place, and he blurted, "Hisagi-san."

Renji frowned and shook his head, but as soon as he opened his mouth, sudden realization dawned on his face and he let out a quiet laugh. "You think I'm sleeping with Shuuhei? Is that what all that crap this morning was about?"

"No," Byakuya lied, then swallowed and said, "I-- perhaps. I'm not sure anymore."

Renji's expression softened, and he smiled a little as he whispered, "I don't understand you at all."

"I don't--" Byakuya's reply was cut short by Renji's mouth covering his, and he let out a soft, startled sound against Renji's lips.

It was just a kiss. It was just a simple, physical sensation of skin touching skin, but Byakuya's heart was pumping pure adrenaline through his veins and his hands were shaking when he lifted them to push Renji away. And when Renji grabbed his wrists and deepened the kiss, Byakuya gave in with a quiet whimpering sound he hadn't even realized he was capable of making.

Everything about what they were doing was inappropriate, from the fact that he'd allowed Renji to stay to the fact that he was allowing Renji to kiss him. But for once in his life, he let his own desire outweigh his sense of right and wrong; he let himself be pushed down onto the bed, and he didn't protest when Renji's mouth slid from his lips to his jaw. There was reverence in Renji's touch, despite the fact that it was Byakuya who was being restrained and subdued by slow, teasing kisses, and Byakuya wanted it so much that for the time being, it was the only thing that mattered.

"Say something," Renji mumbled against Byakuya's skin. "Say anything, just let me know you're okay."

"Yes," Byakuya breathed before he could think too much about what he was doing.

Not that there was time for him to second-guess what was happening; Renji made sure of that. Renji's tongue left nonsense patterns on his chest and ribs, and when Renji bit one of his nipples, Byakuya let out a sharp gasp and arched into the touch. Byakuya was completely lost in the long-forgotten sensations skittering through his body, and as soon as Renji finally let go of his wrists, he buried his fingers in Renji's hair. That earned him a quiet, pleased purring sound and a slow, teasing lick across one of his hipbones that had him spreading his legs and curling his hips upwards purely by instinct.

"God you're sexy," Renji whispered.

Byakuya didn't reply except to moan when Renji bit his inner thigh. There would be a bruise later, and had it been anyone else who'd left it there, he would have been angry. But the fact that it was Renji marking him made all the difference in the world.

By the time Renji's tongue finally meandered up Byakuya's inner thigh to lap at his balls, Byakuya was so hard he felt ready to burst at any second. And when Renji's lips brushed the underside of his cock, Byakuya's legs clamped down on either side of Renji's head.

"I need room to move, Taichou." Renji chuckled and forced Byakuya's thighs to part, then held them down against the mattress in a position so open that Byakuya would have been mortified if he'd been able to think at all.

Renji spent a few torturous minutes teasing the head of his cock, flicking it with his tongue and just barely scraping it with his teeth. During all of this, Byakuya alternated between tugging at Renji's hair and clutching at the sheets, all while trying to push his hips up to find something more solid to rub against. When Renji's mouth finally descended on his cock, Byakuya let out a soft, keening whine and threw his head back. For all of his carelessness in other aspects of his life, Renji seemed devoted to doing this one thing to perfection, and every swirl of his tongue and vibrating moan drew new sounds from Byakuya, who was so tense with desire that even the muscles in his stomach were trembling.

When Renji abruptly pulled away from his cock, leaving Byakuya panting and disoriented, Byakuya shook his head against the pillow and whispered, "Don't-- don't stop, Renji-- I'm ordering you to--"

"Oh, are you now?" Renji purred as he crawled back up the mattress. At some point, he'd apparently slipped out of his clothing, and his bare skin slid over Byakuya's as he stretched out atop him. Then he was kissing Byakuya again, and pressing his hips down so that their cocks rubbed against one another, and Byakuya completely forgot to be upset.

That didn't stop Byakuya from pushing at Renji's chest, however, and trying to roll Renji over so that he could take charge of the situation. But he may as well have been trying to shove a mountain out of his way because Renji simply slid off to one side and then yanked him close again, as effortlessly as if Byakuya weighed nothing at all.

"Your reiatsu is all over the place; you don't know if you want to be the one in control or the one being controlled, do you?" Renji whispered between kisses as he twined their legs together and rolled his hips again, rubbing himself against Byakuya's stomach. Then he slid a hand down Byakuya's back to squeeze his arse, and used the hold to grind their lower bodies together as he murmured, "You'll just have to settle for being my equal tonight, Taichou."

Byakuya tried to respond, but all he could do was cling to Renji's shoulders and dig his toes into the sheets as he shoved himself up against Renji's body. Renji's cock was hard and hot against his belly and his own was leaving smears of precome on Renji's hip. They found a rhythm, though thier movements were still awkward, and Byakuya seized Renji's lips in a kiss so intense it made his skin burn. Before long, he had Renji growling quietly into his mouth, and Byakuya answered each sound with one of his own-- breathy sighs and quiet mewling noises that he'd never heard himself make before. Renji's fingers were digging into his buttocks and tugging at his hair, and his own were gripping Renji's shoulders so hard he was sure he'd leave bruises. Every aspect of it was primitive and almost violent, yet oddly tender at the same time, and Byakuya couldn't imagine it being any other way for them.

Eventually, Renji tore his lips away from Byakuya's and groaned, "I'm close."

"Do it," Byakuya hissed, tangling the fingers of both hands in Renji's hair and arching his back to crush the full length of his body against Renji's.

A few seconds later, Renji's cock jerked between their bellies and coated Byakuya's stomach with come. Renji bit down on Byakuya's jaw with a growl, and Byakuya let out a startled cry as his own orgasm slammed into him. Hot, electric bolts of pleasure richocheted through his body, leaving him gasping for breath and shuddering in Renji's arms as his prick skidded across Renji's hip and pulsed strand after strand of come out between them.

Once they had both finished, Byakuya slumped against Renji's chest, still panting softly from the force of his orgasm. The room was spinning, and he closed his eyes to try and find his balance again. There was a hand in his hair, cradling the back of his skull, and he let it pull him closer until his face was tucked against the side of Renji's neck. Byakuya could feel Renji's heartbeat against his lips, and he kissed the sweat-damp skin with a quiet sigh.

The heat from Renji's body should have been too much with the already warm night air, but it only made Byakuya feel comfortably sleepy. When he caught himself beginning to drift off, he knew he should ask Renji to leave, but when he opened his mouth to say so, Renji kissed his forehead. Byakuya was caught so off guard by the unexpected gesture that he found himself at a loss for words, so he said nothing and just settled back against Renji with a barely audible hum.

When Byakuya woke again, it was still dark outside and he was alone in bed. After blinking a few times to clear the sleep from his eyes, he turned his head and found Renji standing in the doorway that led to the garden, leaning against the doorframe and looking out at the rain that had finally begun to fall. He'd dressed, as if he was planning to leave, and Byakuya wondered what had made him hesitate. Renji had already shown that he didn't have any particular aversion to being rained on.

Renji showed no sign of realizing that Byakuya was awake, so Byakuya gathered the sheet around his waist and slipped out of bed. As soon as he took his first step, Renji glanced over his shoulder, then back out at the garden.

"Are you leaving?" Byakuya asked, and stopped a few paces behind Renji.

Renji shrugged. "I was thinkin' about it."

"I see," Byakuya replied, careful not to let his voice betray his warring emotions. "So your plan was to come here, demand to know why I didn't have you disciplined for misconduct, seduce me, and then leave? If this is supposed to--"

"You know, it's funny," Renji interrupted without looking at Byakuya, "I spend most of my time trying to get you to give me a little credit, and then you give me too much credit for the wrong thing. I didn't have a master plan when I came over here, Taichou. I still don't, though I kinda wish I did."

Byakuya moved a little closer-- so close he could have kissed Renji's shoulder, though he didn't-- and murmured, "The best laid plans, Renji..."

"Make everything feel a little less pointless," Renji replied with a sigh, and finally turned to face Byakuya. There was a haunted look in his eyes before he closed them and whispered, "I don't know what I'm doing, Taichou. Everything's so up and down, and I never know-- I don't know what I should do now. I never expected to be here."

Byakuya didn't know if Renji was talking about their relationship or the world in general. It didn't matter, though; the answer was the same.

"You're coming back to bed," Byakuya replied as he slid his arms around Renji's waist.

Renji's eyes opened and he looked down at Byakuya with a tiny frown. "Won't that make things weird when we wake up tomorrow? Isn't that how this kind of thing goes?"

"I don't know; I've never been involved in this kind of thing before," Byakuya murmured as he stood on his tiptoes to nuzzle Renji's cheek with his own. Then he dropped his voice to a whisper and added, "But that's tomorrow, not tonight, and tonight I know that I want you beside me."

There was a long pause before Renji wrapped his arms around Byakuya's shoulders and turned his head for a kiss. As he pulled away, he smiled down at Byakuya and muttered, "Alright. I think I can live with that."

Byakuya nodded and pulled Renji into another kiss. The sheet was tangled around his legs, so he let it fall to the floor as he backed his way towards the bed, pulling Renji with him. Now that it was raining, the room was cooler than it had been, but the goosebumps that Renji's fingers left as they trailed down Byakuya's spine had nothing to do with the cold. When they reached Byakuya's futon, Renji pushed him down onto it, then fell atop him with a soft huff of laughter.

"Now what?" Renji muttered, smiling down at Byakuya through the shadows.

Byakuya lifted his head from the pillow and touched his lips to Renji's as he whispered, "Live."

All of the summer rainstorms had left the field soggy, and Byakuya paused on the dirt path to wait for Renji to take off his socks.

"You're not gonna write me up for this, right?" Renji grinned as he stuffed his socks into the basket he was carrying and slipped his feet back into his sandals.

Byakuya refused to dignify that with a reply; he simply turned away and crossed over into the grass where the first row of headstones stretched out in a neat line. Renji joined him a few seconds later, hovering just behind him until Byakuya reached back to grab his hand. When Byakuya felt Renji tense, he looked over his shoulder to find Renji watching him with a startled, wary expression.

"It occurs to me, Renji, that you and I don't know one another nearly as well as we pretend to," Byakuya murmured as he laced their fingers together.

Renji looked down at their entwined fingers, then graced Byakuya with a tiny, affectionate smile. "You just didn't seem the type to hold hands in public, s'all."

"No, I suppose I don't," Byakuya admitted, and gave Renji's hand a squeeze.

They walked together in silence for awhile. Every so often, Renji would stop and take a bellflower from the basket he was carrying, then kneel to place it on a headstone. When he was finished, he would take Byakuya's hand again and lead the way further down the row where he would repeat the process. At one point, Byakuya looked behind them and tried to count the number of graves they had stopped in front of, but he was distracted by the sound of Renji's quiet laughter.

Byakuya looked down at the back of Renji's head, and when Renji didn't offer an explanation, he murmured, "Tell me."

"Tell you what?" Renji asked as he pushed to his feet again and slid his hand back into Byakuya's.

"What made you smile," Byakuya replied, then gestured to the headstone where Renji had placed the last of the flowers. "Tell me about them."

Renji tipped his head to the side. "What do you want to know?"

"Anything," Byakuya murmured. "Everything."

"That'll take awhile, Taichou." Renji laughed and began leading the way back towards the path.

Byakuya followed, and as they reached the path and passed under a cherry tree, he snapped a blossom off of its branch and tucked it behind Renji's ear. And when Renji smiled down at him, he smiled back and replied, "Well, we have awhile yet."

Nishizono Shinji

Fic: Doraji